Laying in bed this morning recovering from a couple of days debauched drinking and Pork Scratching Poker (more of that in a later blog) I was reading Chris Evans’ book, Memoirs of a Fruitcake, a thoroughly enlightening look in to a media personality I’ve always enjoyed.
Jacob, my seven year old, came in to see what I was up to and saw the cover of the book. More importantly, he saw the rear of the book, which features the back of Evans’ head with a pair of glasses on it. “Wow!” He exclaimed, “can he really see out the back of his head?”
“Yes,” I replied, “he’s a special human being with secret skills and he’s decided to write a book about it. He’s put his glasses on the back of his head to show people what he can do. They’re just there for show, he doesn’t actually need them to be able to see behind him.”
Jacob was enthralled. “I didn’t know people could do that!”
In full flow, I carried on telling my little lad stories of the magic of these special human beings and the fact that they can see out the back of their heads means they can help the police solve all sorts of crimes. The trouble was, the more involved in the story I became, the more I realised I needed a name for my new creature, and quickly!
“People who can see out of the back of their heads and help police are special people called Haggis,” I said.
“I’ve heard of them,” Jacob shrieked, “but I didn’t know what they were!”
“Well now you do!”
And with that I got up and dressed and took him to the school bus, whereupon he immediately told all his mates about these special creatures called Haggis and the fact that they can see out of the back of their heads. “I think my mum is one of them,” his neighbour on the bus muttered as the door closed and they drove off towards another day of proper education.
So I’d just like to apologise to my son, for leading him up the garden path, and to Chris Evans, for calling him a Haggis.
And, of course, I’d like to apologise to Haggis everywhere – after all, we all know they’re really four-legged creatures found in the Highlands of Scotland with two legs on one side shorter than the other so that they can run around the side of hills easily at level altitude…